Marauder Madness
by Pennethril the Tale Weaver
Summary: We've all seen the same cliches crop up in Marauder era fanfiction... this story aims to parody them! So click your mouse, grab some popcorn, and enjoy! Co-written with PurpleArmadillo
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yes, this **_**is**_** the same story as the one PurpleArmadillo recently posted. It's thanks to her that it ever got finished. **

**Contributing authors: Author M and B of the Songifictionistas (now know as Pennethril the Tale Weaver), and Author S.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.**

Spencer Hoheimer woke up on a dismal and disgusting March day; even worse, it was a Wednesday, which always just made things worse. Somehow she managed to force herself to get out of her warm and cozy bed in the seventh year Gryffindor girls dormitory, and trudged to the shower still half-asleep.

Once she got out of the shower she met a curious sight. Her dorm mates, Ashley Powerdaddi, Whitney Nobrains, and Ima Wench, who were usually unconcerned with their appearances, were standing at the sinks with their backs to her and feverishly applying copious amounts of eyeliner and lipstick. Spencer also noted that the jackets that they wore were a painful shade of neon pink and said 'Dumdumpops' on the back.

"Uh, good morning Ashley, Whitney and Ima," Spencer said uncertainly.

"Ugh! You, like, made me smudge my, like, concealer!" said Ashley shrilly.

"Yeah!" Whitney agreed.

"Shut up Whitney!" Ima said in her nasally, condescending voice as she applied her third layer of pink pig-butt pink lipstick.

"Like, leave her, like, alone Ima; you're, like, such a wench," said Ashley as she made kissy faces at the mirror.

Spencer was more than just a little shocked; normally Ashley, Whitney and Ima got along spectacularly, and they almost never wore make-up. They were some of the least shallow and most-down-to-earth girls that Spencer had ever met. However, the fact that the girls were using so many cosmetics is not what surprised Spencer the most; it was what they said next.

"James is so, like, going to love me for, like, ever! He won't, like, be able to resist me!" said Ashley confidently as she flipped her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder. "He'll never, like, look at that, like, hag Evans, like, ever again! Gosh I, like, hate her."

"It's only because you're wearing three bras which have all been stuffed," said Ima snidely.

"Whatever, like, gets the job like done," retorted Ashley. "Like, since obviously Whitney is, like, a bumbling, like, moron who burns, like, love potions."

"Thanks!" said Whitney with a blank expression. "You're so cool!"

Spencer finally found her ability to speak. "Um, excuse me? Did you really just say that Ashley? Are you really talking that way about Lily Evans? Our Lily Evans? The one that helps you with your homework and that you are good friends with?"

"What are you, like, talking about, like, Spencer? What kind of, like, name is that anyway? It's, like, a boy's name," Ashley replied pausing for only a second to glance over her shoulder at Spencer.

"Since when do you make fun of my name?" Spencer asked sadly. "You always said it was really unique and that you liked it…"

"You must be, like, smoking gillyweed, just like, like, your parents were when they, like, named you," said Ashley scathingly.

"Ooohhh," intoned Ima and Whitney at the same time. "You've been, like, burned!"

"I'm so out of here," muttered Spencer as she turned to leave the loo.

"Good riddance," said Ima as she watched Spencer leave. Then she suddenly said, "What is that thing on your face!"

Spencer's hand immediately flew to her face. "What thing?" she asked, concerned.

"It's a zit!" cried Whitney in horror.

"Like, get away from us! We don't, like, want to catch it too!" cried Ashley as she dabbed on another layer of concealer just to be safe.

"Wow," muttered Spencer as she grabbed her schoolbag. "I didn't think such shallow people existed, especially not at Hogwarts and not in my dorm. They were just downright cruel. And what was up with those hideous jackets that they were all wearing? And Dumdumpops? What?"

Spencer made her way down to breakfast, almost completely forgetting about the three of them acting strangely. That is, until she got to the entrance to the Great Hall and spotted Lily standing just outside the door inspecting everyone as they walked into breakfast.

"You! I hate Potter! Pull up your pants! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" Lily was yelling at a timid Hufflepuff boy, as Spencer approached.

Lily, then, turned on a couple that was trying to sneak in behind her without being caught. "You two! I hate Potter! You are too close to each other! I hate Potter! Fat Friar! I hate Potter! Come here! I hate Potter!"

"We aren't even that close together," protested the Hufflepuff girl timidly.

"I don't think the Fat Friar could fit between you two. I hate Potter!" Lily said, while gesturing for the Fat Friar to go in between the two.

"Aha! I hate Potter! I knew he couldn't fit! I hate Potter! Too close! I hate Potter! Detention for the both of you! I hate Potter!" Lily said victoriously as she pulled the couple farther apart and sent them off.

Before Spencer could reach Lily, Lily started her assault on a Ravenclaw girl.

"You! I hate Potter! Your socks are mismatched! I hate Potter!" Lily said, pointing at the girl's socks.

The Ravenclaw looked down at her socks curiously, then back up at Lily. "But, what is 'matching' really? Yes, one of the socks is a lighter shade than the other, but who is to say that that is wrong?" the girl questioned.

"I am! I hate Potter! You have a detention! I hate Potter!" Lily shouted.

"Umm, Lily?" asked Spencer cautiously. "Are you okay? What are you doing?"

"I am enforcing the law! I hate Potter! I am making these halls safe for the students! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily as she eyed each and every student for any rule breaking of any kind.

"Don't you think you're going a bit far though?" Spencer asked her usually calm and somewhat lenient friend. "You're acting like some sort of crazy person."

"That's a detention for insulting the Enforcer! I hate Potter! Now got to breakfast! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily.

Spencer quickly sat down at the Gryffindor table, near the door so she could keep an eye on her power-crazy friend. Luckily for her, she had a front row seat to some more of the craziness that had seemingly come over Hogwarts.

"Tuck in your shirt! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" Lily screeched.

And then the Marauders arrived.

"All of you, empty your pockets! I hate Potter! Potter, tuck in your shirt, pull up your trousers, get a belt, comb your hair, button up your shirt, tie your shoes, straighten your spectacles, tighten your tie, iron your clothes and for Merlin's sake, un-lopside that ridiculous lopsided grin of yours! I hate Potter!" screamed Lily.

"Good morning to you too my beautiful flower of love," James interrupted when she paused to breathe before starting on his friends.

"No flirting! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" said the frustrated Lily with passion.

"Excellent! You know I only get detentions so I can spend more time with you. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen; I have loved you since the first time I saw you back in first year way back when I still thought girls had cooties and were yucky. Go out with me Evans?" asked James hopefully.

"I will never go out with you, you enormous toerag! I hate Potter! You are an ugly, manipulative, obnoxious, witless, bullying, stupid, womanizing, bovine, immature, brainless, insipid, annoying, rule-disobeying, dull, rebellious, insignificant, simple-minded, arrogant, selfish, dense, oafish, thick, unreasonable, imbecilic, dirty hoodlum! I hate Potter! I hate you Potter! I hate Potter! I wouldn't date you even if you were the last guy on the planet! I hate Potter! I wish you would fall off of the face of the earth! I hate Potter! Your mother should have strangled you when you were born! I hate Potter!" Lily ranted at the top of her voice.

"Why don't you love me?" cried James in anguish. "I've tried everything to make you see me for who I really am; a nice guy! I love you Lily!"

"I hate you Potter! I hate Potter!" Lily screamed. "Now get into breakfast before I'm obliged to use force on you! I hate Potter!"

"But I love you."

"Go! I hate Potter!" she yelled. "Do it before I am forced to strangle you myself. I hate Potter! I would if it wasn't against the rules. I hate Potter!"

"Fine…" James said dejectedly, shuffling into the Great Hall. The other three Marauders tried to follow him unnoticed, but Lily caught them.

"Where do you three think you're going? I hate Potter!" she barked. "Black! I hate Potter! Put on a shirt, pull up your pants, get a regulation approved belt instead of that awful studded thing, get some real shoes instead of those disgustingly dirty and flamboyant trainers, and cut your hair! I hate Potter! Lupin! I hate Potter! Give Black back his shirt, no reading while you're walking, stop bleeding through that bandage on your hand, and remove those scars from everywhere! I hate Potter! Pettigrew! I hate Potter! Clean your shirt, remove those stains from your trousers, lose some weight, shine your shoes and get some real socks not fuzzy ones with bunnies you wimp! I hate Potter!"

"Now, Rema, have we checked in all the students? I hate Potter!" Lily asked, turning to her friend and dorm mate, Rema Antilupus, who had been standing behind Lily, concealed in the shadows.

"Yes, Enforcer," Rema said robotically, checking off the last couple of people on her list.

"Good. I hate Potter! Let's go to breakfast now. I hate Potter!" Lily said, leading her complacent friend into the Hall.

"Yes Enforcer," Rema said again.

Spencer was now really confused. Lily was a bit bossy and sometimes a little overbearing, but never this extreme, and she put James in his place often, but she hadn't done that since the middle of sixth year and she had certainly never been so cruel. Also, Rema, although she was quiet, was not so blindly obedient. Furthermore, Siria, Spencer's other dorm mate, was also not acting like her usual self.

Only seconds after Lily and Rema sat down at the Gryffindor table, all of the plates and dishes were levitated up and then crashed on top of the heads of their owners.

"Siria Ann Hotpranker! I hate Potter! I know that you did this! I hate Potter!" shouted Lily as she surveyed the damage around her. "You may be my best friend but I am still going to give you a month of detentions! I hate Potter!"

"Oh lighten up Lily," said Siria as she laughed loudly. "Carpe diem! Life is all about having fun! A.k.a. snogging cute boys, meet me in five minutes Dave!, and pulling pranks, such as this morning's masterpiece."

"Siria, grow up! I hate Potter! This pranking thing has to stop! I hate Potter! Also, stop drooling over David Parker! I hate Potter! Parker sounds like Potter! I hate Potter! Anyways, boys are bad for you! I hate Potter! Stay away from them! I hate Potter!" Lily told her friend forcefully.

Siria just rolled her eyes and turned all of her attention to shoveling food into her mouth and drooling over her fling of the week, David Parker.

Halfway through breakfast, Professor Dumbledore stood up, and silence fell, mostly due to the sight of his brightly colored, rainbow robes.

"Good morning students!" he said cheerfully. "I have wonderful news! There will be a dance in exactly one week. Now, I know Hogwarts hasn't had a dance in… ever, but I decided that a dance would be perfect to promote inter-house unity. Oh, one more thing; it is a masquerade ball, and all students will be allowed into Hogsmeade tomorrow and Thursday to find costumes and masks. Enjoy your breakfasts!"

"But Professor! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily angrily. "There isn't anything in the rule book about dances, the preparation for dances, behavior at dances, etcetera etcetera! I hate Potter! How am I supposed to uphold the law if there aren't any laws to uphold? I hate Potter!"

"Well Miss Evans," began the Headmaster.

"I prefer to be called the Enforcer," interrupted Lily. "I hate Potter!"

"Of course," said Dumbledore smiling benignly.

"Excuse me? Professor Dumbledore? Could you possibly tone down that twinkle in your eye? I'm going blind," requested a young Gryffindor who had naively sat too close to the twinkly Headmaster. The other students just shook their heads and readjusted their sunglasses.

Dumbledore thought of something sad, like a lemondrop-less world, and the twinkle diminished enough for the Gryffindor to be able to see. Then he addressed Lily, "Well the Enforcer, you can just make up the rules then. Please be sure to write them down so that we have them in case I ever spontaneously decide to hold a ball again. You know, I do love the drama and you teenagers just don't have enough drama in your lives right now to satisfy my needs."

"Alright everybody, time for class. I hate Potter!" Lily commanded. "You know the drill. I hate Potter! Stand up and form two lines, one boys one girls. I hate Potter!"

Not wanting the detention she was sure she would get if she didn't follow Lily's orders, Spencer quickly sprung up from the table and got in line with the rest of the Gryffindor girls.

Once the lines were formed, Lily continued, "Gryffindors, file out! I hate Potter! Ravenclaw, next! I hate Potter! Hufflepuff, follow Ravenclaw. I hate Potter! Slytherins, you're last, don't be late! I hate Potter!"

The seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins, while glaring at each other, headed down into the dungeons together for double potions with Professor Hornslug. Professor Hornslug was a tall, skinny woman who favored only Slytherins, and was despised by all other houses.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.**

Professor Hornslug was a tall, skinny woman who favored only Slytherins, and was despised by all other houses.

"Good morning my Slytherin prodigies," said Hornslug sweetly as she swept into the dungeon after Lily had directed everyone into their assigned seats. Then she turned to the other side of the room and bellowed, "Oi! Are you Gryffindors breathing again? All of you, three hours of detention in my office starting at nine o'clock tonight! But you, my Slytherin angels, are excused from class today so you can be refreshed for your Death Eater meeting tonight at midnight on the second floor. The Dark Lord may be a little late though because he is going to be killing the families of every Gryffindor student at the school tonight in one massive swipe."

Surprisingly Spencer was the only person in the room that looked shocked at her teacher's outburst. No one else seemed to care that Professor Hornslug had said there was going to be a Death Eater meeting with Voldemort inside Hogwarts and that all of their families were going to die.

"Aren't you a little worried about your family?" Spencer whispered to her Potions partner as Professor Hornslug wrote the instructions on the board.

Spencer's partner, Rema, just timidly shook her head, afraid of the trouble she would get in from both Hornslug and Lily if she talked.

"But they might be killed," protested Spencer in an urgent whisper.

Having heard the one-sided conversation, Siria, who was sitting behind Spencer whispered, "Spen, the old bat says stuff like that every class, why are you freaking out today?"

"What? She's not even our teacher! I've never seen her before in my life. What happened to Professor Slughorn?" asked Spencer.

"Who?" asked Siria.

"You know the old Potions professor, big guy, liked to eat crystallized pineapple, had a weird crush on Lily that we all made fun of her for, had his own little club of students that he hosted parties for…"

Rema and Siria's faces remained blank, and Spencer wasn't allowed to continue her description because Hornslug commanded them all to begin their potions.

And thus another Potions class began in which all of the Gryffindors quaked under the glare of their sadistic Potions professor; well everyone except the Marauders who knew that they would be punished whether they broke the rules or not and failed whether or not they made the potion correctly. So they just goofed off and tried to lighten the oppressive mood. On this particular morning they decided to do the classic, blow-up-the-potion trick.

Hornslug didn't even look up from glaring at Frank Longbottom because she knew that the Enforcer was in her classroom.

"How dare you blow up the potion? I hate Potter! As I have told you numerous times, it is against the rules: section 14 subsection F article 9 paragraph 2! I hate Potter! All four of you detention tonight from seven to nine! I hate Potter!" screamed Lily as her face turned red.

"Hello love of my life," said James suavely.

"Arg! I hate Potter!" said Lily as she stormed away.

"See you tonight sweetie!" James called after her.

After this, the rest of the class went by smoothly, relatively. The bell rang and Lily got up and commanded them to get into two lines, like after breakfast, but this time, it was one line of Gryffindors and one line of Slytherins. Like this, they marched together to DADA with Professor Hardcorevil.

"Good morning class," Professor Hardcorevil said as he strode purposefully to the front of the classroom.

"Good morning Professor Hardcorevil," chimed the class in fear.

"Today, class, is the day we study the Unforgivables," he said, smirking evilly. The class audibly gulped.

"Um, Professor?" Spencer asked, raising her hand.

"What is it, Miss Hoheimer?" he demanded.

"First, we aren't supposed to be doing the Unforgivables, and second, since when is your name 'Hardcorevil'? I thought it was 'Jones'?" she asked, confused.

"Stop asking such silly questions! I have been looking forward to this lesson all week, and my name has always been Hardcorevil," he said, turning back to the class.

"But…" she said at a loss for words. "I'm so confused…"

"Miss Hoheimer, are you quite finished? Because I would really like to get on with the lesson," Hardcorevil asked.

"Now, for this little lesson, I shall need a volunteer," he said as he surveyed his frightened students. The last student that had volunteered for anything had gone to the Hospital Wing afterwards and had suspiciously never been seen again. No one, surprisingly, raised their hands.

"Oh, come on, anyone?" he said, sounding for the first time, like a normal person.

No one was fooled by the normal façade of their demonic teacher. Finally he just picked Lily for his first victim… I mean volunteer.

"So first I'm going to demonstrate the Imperius Curse," stated the teacher matter-of-factly.

"Isn't that against the law? I hate Potter!" asked Lily condescendingly.

"It sure is," said the Professor quickly. "Imperio! Now Evans is completely under my control and will do anything I say. Evans, jump onto that desk!"

Lily just turned to him and said, "No, that would be against the rules and I do not break the rules. I hate Potter!"

"I said to jump onto the desk!" commanded Professor Hardcorevil.

"And I said no because it clearly says in the rule book 'Thou shalt not stand on the desks.' I hate Potter! Therefore I will not stand on the desk! I hate Potter!" said Lily primly.

"I said jump onto the desk, damn it!" he said, losing his patience.

Lily gasped. "Swearing is also against the rules! I hate Potter! Detention, tonight with me, in the Trophy Room, at 5 o'clock, Alessandro Hardcorevil. I hate Potter!"

"Isn't giving a teacher detention against the rules?" asked the professor skeptically.

"Not when the Enforcer is enforcing the rules," said Lily firmly. "'In order to enforce the rules the Enforcer is given absolute power over all inhabitants of Hogwarts and its grounds.' I hate Potter! According to this quotation taken from the rule book, I do have the authority to give you detention Professor, so I will see you at 5 on the dot. I hate Potter! Class what happens if you are tardy to a detention? I hate Potter!"

"You get another detention," intoned the class dully.

"Now that that is settled, please continue on with your lesson Professor," said Lily as she flounced back to her seat. "I hate Potter!"

"Right, anyway, where were we? Ah yes, the second Unforgivable Curse, and my personal favorite since I use it often in my line of work as a Death Eater, the Cruciatus Curse," he said gleefully clapping his hands together, and searching the room for his next victim.

"Potter!" he exclaimed his eyes landing on the messy haired marauder. "Come up here."

James approached his deranged professor slowly, stopping once he stood in front of him.

"Now, it's best to do it when the vic-, er, person isn't expecting it. Crucio!" Hardcorevil shouted.

James felt the curse, but did not allow himself to cry out in pain even though it felt like thousands of white hot knives were stabbing him all over; he would not give Hardcorevil the satisfaction of hearing him scream.

"Why aren't my curses working today?" yelled Hardcorevil in frustration as he lifted the curse. "First Evans throws off the Imperius curse, then Potter, the son of the world-famous Head Auror Harold Potter who has imprisoned most of my family in Azkaban, refuses to suffer and give me the satisfaction of hearing him scream like a little baby like most grown men when I put the most painful curse known to wizardkind on him.

"I bet that one day Evans and Potter will get married and have a son whom they name after my most hated enemy, Harold Potter, and he will be able to escape from the Killing Curse because then that would make a perfect trio," foretold Hardcorevil with a startling amount of accuracy.

"You know, it's funny that you should mention that," said James, who was still standing next to his Professor as if nothing had happened to him. "I've been having these dreams since I first saw Lily on the Hogwarts Express back in first year. She and I are in this house and we're married and we have a son who is about a year old and looks like me but with Lily's green eyes. And we're just having a great time and then all of a sudden Voldemort blows our front door off. So naturally, I tell Lily to take our son, Harry is his name, and run because that is the chivalrous thing to do. I'm not sure where she is supposed to run to, but she runs away upstairs. Voldemort kills me and then somehow I watch him go upstairs.

"Once he finds Lily, who isn't very good at hiding, he says that he won't kill her if she lets him kill Harry. Presumably killing her son is against the rules because Lily doesn't move. So he kills her and then tries to kill Harry, but the green light rebounds off Harry and hits him instead. Voldemort is destroyed and Harry just gets a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. So then the whole world celebrates and Harry's famous, but I'm dead, so it kind of sucks for me," finished James.

Shakily Lily stood up and said, "I've been having that same dream since first year too. I hate Potter!"

They looked at each other in shock with their mouths wide open.

"Hey Lily?" James said finally.

"Yes Potter? I hate Potter!" she said quietly.

"You're awfully beautiful, and I've loved you since First Year; do you want to marry me?" James asked as he pulled out the small velvet box that he had been carrying around with him everywhere since third year.

"I suppose. I hate Potter! It looks like we were meant to be. I hate Potter!" she said, smiling slightly as he put the ring with a diamond the size of a strawberry on her finger.

"Obviously," Snape commented from the back of the room.

"Wicked," James said, walking around to the other side of Lily's desk, pushing Siria, with whom Lily was sitting, out of her chair, and sitting in it instead. Then he took Lily's hand and for the rest of the class, they only had eyes for each other.

"Right, now that _that_ sickening display has finished, on to the last Unforgivable! The Killing Curse, my second favorite one," Hardcorevil said, pulling them out of the mix of disgusted states at James and Lily's display.

"Professor," objected Spencer. "I'm pretty sure that that one is _really_ illegal and _very _unforgiveable."

"Nonsense!" said the deranged man gleefully. "It's _uber_ illegal and _absolutely_ unforgiveable; and these things only increase its appeal! You, random slutty girl, get up here so I can kill you for my own sick amusement."

Ima, Ashley and Whitney looked at each other in confusion, unsure of which one of them Hardcorevil was referring to. Finally Ashley and Ima pushed clueless Whitney out of her chair, and thus volunteered her.

Luckily for Whitney, at that moment, a team of aurors burst into the classroom, headed by James' dad.

"You sir are a Death Eater!" yelled Harold Potter dramatically as he pointed at Hardcorevil.

"Bravo. Brilliant deduction Grindelwald," Hardcorevil said sarcastically.

Dumbledore, who had just walked in, looked up at this, "Ooh, Grindelwald? Where?"

"Professor, do you realize that this man is a Death Eater?" Harold asked.

"Of course," Dumbledore said. "Now, where is Gellert? There is a certain matter I need to discuss with him," he asked, looking around.

"Dumbledore, you hired a Death Eater," Harold tried again.

"Yes, yes, I know. It was all part of my plan," Dumbledore said, waving him off and still looking around for the lost Grindelwald.

"What plan?" Harold asked suspiciously.

"My plan, of course. The one where he," Dumbledore pointed at Hardcorevil, "makes them," he pointed at Lily and James, who were still in their own little world, "realize that together they would make the ultimate child who would be able to throw off the Killing Curse and subsequently destroy the Dark Lord. Then I would be able to manipulate the child because James and Lily can't, of course, throw off the Killing Curse, so they'd be out of the picture, and it'd just be me," Dumbledore explained.

"Right…." Harold said. "Anyway, Alessandro Hardcorevil, you are under arrest!"

"Wait! I hate Potter!" Lily exclaimed. "He has detention with me tonight. I hate Potter! So, you'll have to wait until tonight to arrest him. I hate Potter!"

Before Mr. Potter could respond, James turned to Lily and asked, "Why do you still say that?"

"Say what? I hate Potter!"

"You still say 'I hate Potter!' after every sentence even though we're engaged now," James pointed out.

"Oh, I hadn't even realized I was doing it; it's such an engrained habit I don't think I can quit now. I hate Potter! You'll just have to deal with it as one of my lovable quirks. I hate Potter!" Lily stated firmly.

"Ok," said James shrugging.

"That should make for an interesting wedding: 'Do you The Enforcer, take James to be your husband?' 'I do. I hate Potter!'" said Sirius, doing both voices. "I think some people might be a little confused."

Mr. Potter looked a little confused for a moment, but then said, "Oh so you finally proposed to her then son?"

"Yup," said James proudly.

"Oh good, I can't wait to tell your mother; she'll be so excited that her wedding plans weren't all for nothing. Lily how do you feel about pink bridesmaids' dresses?" asked the renowned auror.

"I'll have to consult the rules, but I think that should be fine. I hate Potter!" said Lily.

"Excellent, well now I really have to arrest Mr. Hardcorevil; his family is having a reunion tomorrow and I really think he should be there," said Harold as he tied up Hardcorevil and levitated him out of the room. "Have a nice day kids!"

"Well someone is going to have to take ex-Professor Hardcorevil's detention for him tonight," pouted Lily. "I hate Potter!

Everyone jumped at this announcement and quickly busied themselves with something, mostly reading textbooks so as not to draw attention to themselves. Sadly, Dumbledore was still standing in the doorway day-dreaming, and Lily caught sight of him.

"Professor Dumbledore! I hate Potter! You are going to have to take Professor Hardcorevil's place in detention tonight! I hate Potter!" she said.

He broke out of his day dreams to stare at Lily like she was crazy, "Oh, no my dear Enforcer, I can not make a detention tonight; I am a busy man and have plans."

"Well, Professor, I'm sorry, but someone has to take Hardcorevil's place. I hate Potter!" she said.

Everyone turned to look at Whitney, who was still standing in the middle of the room looking confused.

"Whitney Nobrains, you will take Hardcorevil's place in detention! I hate Potter!" Lily commanded.

At last, class ended and Lily once again ordered them all to form lines. Then she guided them through the halls to lunch.

Spencer found herself in line near Siria. She turned to her and quietly whispered, "Why is that _all_ of our classes are with the Slytherins? I thought we had Potions with the Ravenclaws and Defense with the Hufflepuffs?"

"Spen, you're acting really weird today. We _always_ have _all_ of our classes with the Slytherin scum and why are you saying 'Defense'? No one calls it that or 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' either; everyone always says 'DADA' or this year, 'Pain 101'. Are you feeling all right? Should we ask Lily the Enforcer if you can go see Madame and Miss Pomfrey?" Siria asked.

"No, it's alright. I'm fine," Spencer sighed.

Soon enough, Lily the Enforcer was telling them to form lines and shepherding them to Transfiguration.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ah, it's the final part! Hope you enjoyed this lovely piece of parody!**

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.**

Transfiguration turned out to be not nearly as exciting as "DADA." The only odd thing that Spencer could find was that Professor McGonagall was dressed completely in tartan; everything from her hat to the laces on her boots was tartan. Other than that, the class was normal.

As she was leaving class, Spencer noticed that Professor McGonagall was wearing one of those stick-on nametags that say "Hello, my name is…" Upon closer inspection, the name written on the tag was "Professor Mcgonaildefn." Spencer paused as she filed out of class earning herself a "Keep moving Hoheimer! I hate Potter!" from Lily.

"Yeah, excuse me, Enforcer, I need to speak with Professor McGonagall," Spencer said.

"All right, but make it quick, you're holding everyone else up. I hate Potter!" Lily grudgingly agreed because there was no rule against students talking to teachers after class.

"Professor?" Spencer asked cautiously approaching McGonagall's desk.

"Yes, Miss Hoheimer?" McGonagall said, looking up from her papers.

"I was just wondering, are you aware that you are wearing a name tag, and your name is spelled wrong?" Spencer asked.

"What are you talking about, Miss Hoheimer? My name is spelled correctly here; you see, M-C-G-A-N-I-G-A-I-L," McGonagall said, actually spelling her name again, differently than what was on the nametag to begin with.

Spencer decided to let the matter drop and joined her classmates who were lined silently up in the hall where Lily was waiting to take them all to Muggle Studies.

"Since when does everyone take Muggle Studies?" Spencer asked Siria as all of the Gryffindors and Slytherins marched in time.

"I don't know," said Siria as she scratched her head. "We all just do. I like it though; my favorite broom closet is in the same hallway as the Muggle Studies classroom and I sometimes feign illness and just hang out in there all class snogging some random boy."

"Oh, ok," Spencer replied. She didn't have time to say anything else because they had arrived at the classroom.

"Hello class!" Professor Bubblybottom called as they entered and went to their assigned seats. "I have a very special project for you today!"

The class would have groaned, but such verbal expressions were forbidden.

"You are all going to get married and raise children! It's pretend, but not really! So Lily and James, Siria and Sirius, Rema and Remus, you are all married… I mean paired up just for this class project. And the rest of you are paired up tooo but you don't really matter. Oh, we have an odd number of students… well Pettigrew I guess that rules you out! You'll never get married anyways so you don't need to learn these skills! I'm just going to ignore you for the rest of the year," announced the voluptuous Professor Bubblybottom. "Anyway, your new houses are on the grounds. You are all required to live with your spouses for the remainder of the year. You will be given children that are remarkably lifelike because they are real babies that just so happen to look exactly like your real children will look like! They are also pre-named!"

Spencer raised her hand and when she was called on she asked suspiciously, "Professor what is the point of this project exactly?"

"It's to get certain students to realize that they were meant to be together!" said the Professor in a bubbly way. "Now go on out to your houses; your children will be in the cradles in the nurseries. Their names are painted on the cradles. Have fun everyone!"

The professor skipped out of the classroom, and Lily took over.

"All right everyone! I hate Potter! Pair up with your project partners and line up near the door! I hate Potter! I will escort everyone to the grounds to start your projects! I hate Potter! Since this is the last class of the day, you will all remain in your houses with your spouses and babies! I hate Potter!" Lily instructed, and everyone scrambled to obey.

Professor Bubblybottom skipped back into the room, "Oh, one more thing children! You will all be assigned a House elf that will cook and clean for you. And since you are required to attend classes, this House elf will also take care of the child while you are in class. Don't we make life so much easier than it is on you!

"One more thing, play-dates are also encouraged!"

She skipped away once more.

"Alright everyone follow me! I hate Potter!" Lily the Enforcer shouted.

Everyone filed out of the room, paired up with their spouses- er, project partners.

When they reached the grounds, it was as if Suburbia had transplanted itself right on the Hogwarts grounds. All the houses looked exactly the same, but there were four alternating colors: white, light blue, tan, and yellow. They saw Hagrid standing near the edge of the sea of houses. He spotted them and came over.

"'Ello all. I see yeh go' yer as'ignmen's. Goo' I jus' fin'shed settin' ev'ryt'ing u'," he said.

Spencer had been paired with a rather large Slytherin 7th year named Flint, and while he settled himself on the couch in the living room in front of the magically altered television, she cautiously made her way to the nursery. Inside, was a green and snake themed nursery. Obviously, this child was meant to be a Slytherin. The green cradle had the name Marcus painted in silver on the front.

"This has got to be a nightmare. I have no idea what is going on. It's like everyone has been replaced with bad stereotypes…," she said to herself as she walked over to the cradle.

The baby was incredibly lifelike. Well, aside from the fact that it wasn't moving, but rather lying there with its bright blue eyes wide open. Spencer frowned, and reached her hand down to give it a poke.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" As if on cue, the baby instantly burst into a terrible shrieking and wailing. Spencer jumped back with a yell.

"Shh, shh, it's alright. Could use a little help in here!" she called loudly. From the living room came a grunt.

"Busy. Quidditch. Watching."

Spencer sighed. This was going to be a long night.

By the time the baby had finally stopped crying, it was long after midnight. Spencer quietly closed the nursery door, dragged Flint from the television, and together they went to check out the bedroom.

There was one bed.

"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight," she told Flint, grabbing an armful of blankets and pillows before promptly stomping out. Rather than getting a good rest, Spencer ended up flipping through the television channels. "There's nothing on," she groaned for the fiftieth time, rubbing her tired eyes.

She wasn't the only one awake at this hour; a faint noise came from outside. She couldn't tell what it was, but it had that sort of uneasy, suspicious quality that noises usually have when someone is all alone in a dark room. Spencer crept to the front door, and slowly inched it open enough to peek through the crack. A black shape was slinking across the grounds and back towards the castle. She squinted.

"Snape?" she whispered to herself. Quickly snatching up a pair of slippers, and her wand, she snuck out of the house and took up pursuit. After about fifteen minutes of speed-tiptoeing through the corridors and up staircases, Spencer saw the greasy Slytherin disappear into a door on the second floor.

She raised her eyebrows. "The girl's bathroom?" There was an Out of Order sign on the door. Hesitating a moment, she slipped in after him.

The murmur of voices stopped immediately. Spencer froze, and blinked in the dim light. She had walked in on some sort of meeting, apparently, for the bathroom was full of people. Mismatching people, that was: one half of the group was dressed identically in long menacing black robes, and masks…while the other half were students in not-so-menacing pajamas.

"Er, hey, everyone," Spencer said slowly. Silence. It seemed they were all just as surprised to see her, as she was to see them. She seized the moment to take a better look around. "Peter? What are you doing here?"

Sitting next to Snape was a very nervous Pettigrew in fluffy bunny slippers.

"I-um-sleepover," he managed to say, swallowing. He kept tugging down on his left sleeve.

Spencer wasn't convinced. "Wh—" she began, but jumped as a high cold laugh echoed from stall to stall and made her hair stand on end. A few of the other people cowered.

"Is that the best greeting you can give our guest, Wormtail?" Off in the deepest shadows of the room, a set of cat-like eyes gleamed, vividly scarlet. Was she seeing things? She frowned at the eyes. They frowned back. "I would invite you to join us, however…"

The cold voice trailed off, and there was awkward silence again. Someone coughed, "Mud-blood," and another snickered maturely, "Eww, cooties!" Spencer took a step back.

"Y-you're holding a meeting here, out of all places?" she asked, half frightened, half disbelieving. "It makes no sense. Wouldn't Dumbledore know-? Wait, how did all of you get in here, in the first place?" Spencer suddenly noticed that most of the Death Eaters' robes looked damp.

"You don't want to know," one of them muttered.

"Now, now," the evil eyes said coolly, "no complaints, Rosier. Merlin knows you were over-due for a bath." Spencer caught sight of a pale, spidery-fingered hand drawing a wand in the darkness. "This location is the very brilliance of it all; right under the old fool's nose, while he remains oblivious."

"Obviously," commented Snape, as if the explanation was, well, obvious.

"He won't be oblivious if I tell him," Spencer took another step backward, closer to the door.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a masked Death Eater warned rather unconcernedly.

"And who would believe you?" the scarlet eyes retorted. "The word of a child? Certainly not Dumbledore, as wise and twinkly as he is."

Obviously oblivious to the seriousness of the situation, one of the younger students cleared her throat nervously. "Um, Mr. Dark Lord, sir, can we head to bed? I've a really important Transfiguration test early in the morning, you see." Everyone yawned simultaneously.

Voldemort ignored them. "Now, before you try running off," he turned his attention back toward Spencer. The spidery hand began to raise the wand.

"This is my bathroom! No boys allowed!" came a shrill wailing cry, followed by a bang, and an explosion of water all over the ground. The assemblage jumped, resulting in several of them slipping and falling to the floor. "Get out!"

Moaning Myrtle didn't need to say that twice. Faster than you could shout, "Hold your hippogriffs!" Spencer sped out the door in the confusion.

"This is a nightmare, this has got to be a nightmare!" she kept muttering to herself every corner she turned as she sprinted along the corridors. Still running, she looked over her shoulder. This was a bad idea, as when she looked in front her, she realized she was hurtling towards a stairwell, and the staircase currently wasn't there. Going too fast to stop, she careened over the edge.

As she screamed, the cold stone floor raced up to meet her. She closed her eyes, just before she hit…

And sat straight up in bed, gasping for air.

"Oh, it was just a dream. That's a relief, that was so strange," she sighed.

The door burst open and a disheveled Lily crept in. Upon seeing that Spencer was awake, she beamed, and stuck out her left hand.

"Potter proposed! We're getting married!"

Spencer's eyes widened, and she screamed, waking everyone in Gryffindor Tower.


End file.
